A stand-up about writers ...
If I watch one more rerun of Seinfeld I swear I’m going to turn into one of the characters. I think I’ll be Jerry. He seems the least neurotic. Kramer is the happiest in the group, but being Cosmo Kramer would be risky business most days.
George and Elaine? Really? Don’t even go there, although the time that Elaine got to be boss for a while and talked on the phone while she smoked a cigar with her feet up on the desk is memorable.
Jerry I could be. I like how at the beginning of each episode he’s fresh and optimistic. Things haven’t fallen apart for him yet. He’s resilient, no matter what happened in the previous episode, like Wile E. Coyote, able to bounce back from the worst disasters.
Okay, I’m back. I just spent thirty minutes on the Looney Tunes website. I went there to look up the spelling of Wile E. Coyote (no, it’s not Wiley) and got distracted. So anyway, if I do turn into Jerry I think I’ll specialize. I’ll do a stand-up routine about writers. I can hear the dream sequence music already ...
Did you ever notice how writers always find something else to do when they should be writing, like hanging out at the Looney Tunes website?
Did you ever notice how writers start talking about someone and some really cool things that happened, and after a while you realize that they’re not even talking about real people?! And you’ve wasted all that time listening to them? They should be forced to hold up a sign: “Listen up, everybody, I’m talking about a made-up story here; this is not real; don’t get excited.”
Oh, here’s a good one. Did you ever notice how writers talk about their muse and how intimidated they are by her, as if she’s a real person, like the Soup Nazi guy, and you’d better be polite and not complain or you’re not getting any story ideas? What’s up with that?
Did you see that Sharon Stone movie where she's a high maintenance muse and Albert Brooks is desperate to save his writing career and so he puts her up at the Four Seasons and brings her Waldorf salad when she phones him in the middle of the night? Well yeah, it is Sharon Stone, but even so, I mean, what’s with the desperation? Who needs it?
Okay, you’ll love this one. Did you ever notice how writers get used to writing with a keyboard and then one day they’re stuck somewhere without a computer and they have to do it the old fashioned way, with pen and paper? And then after a while they get writer’s cramp and they look like Marlon Brando in Streetcar when he did that thing with his hands and yelled “Stel-laaaaaa!” and it looks just as painful? It’s moments like that when I’m glad I decided to be a stand-up comedian.
